So yesterday I took my final exam as I walked out of the door after it was over I felt unsure. I was unsure during the exam and changed several answers several times. When I got home, I cried. I have no idea how this will turn out. After expressing to others my feeling on the outcome, they minimize my feelings. They tell me, “OH I’m sure you did fine.” How are you so sure? Clearly I’m not. In fact I’m downright disgusted with myself. All these feelings of disappointment started creeping in and then I hit the lonely wall. I started thinking about all the feelings I’d been holding and for what. Did I think there was HOPE? When someone is unavailable and you know they are unavailable how can hope exist? IT CANNOT. Things don’t magically do a 360 and you go skipping off into the sunshine. I had that epiphany last night because my only desire at that moment was to pour out my concerns in staggered intermittent hiccups through my tears to one person. The unavailable message was clear. In fact it was more like a neon sign. I think my heart shattered into a million minute miniscule pieces AGAIN. The faucet that is my tearducts would not stop running. The only thing there to catch my pain was my pillow. By morning my pillow was saturated. I need the root of this heartstring yanked out. There needs to be hollow hole in the center of my heart. I don’t have it in me to do it apparently. I need a surgeon and an armed guard. Right now I am a lowly curmudgeon. I do not want your Christmas cheer. Bahhumbug.
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