Winter Blues – A Dose of Reality

Though I heard ppl suffered from the winter blues, I didn’t really know it was real. For 3 months now things have not been the same I am not the happy person that I usually am. Those in my day to day have pointed it out. Coming home is not a welcomed experience for me but the house is empty. Ppl said I would adjust to mini-me being away at school and things would get better but it hasn’t happened yet. It seems like it’s been raining forever the clouds are constant. I often find myself leaving the tv on even when I am not watching because it’s too quiet without it. I haven’t pick up my pen in I don’t know when. Inspiration left long time ago, it’s been over a year. I’ve lost friends, friendships I thought were lifelong and it hurt. My heart…wow I never knew it could hurt like this. I have been holding onto a relationship that ended that I should have released from my heart a long time ago. A bandaid was put there but it didn’t heal anything the wound simply festered. I just thought my hope could make it better “one day”. Hope is gone. I’ve become so emotional that I don’t think Kleenex is ready for couch time with me. My mother was diagnosed with two unrelated forms of cancer in October. Our relationship was never that “mother/daughter” bond you see on tv. I think cancer has made it worst. I feel like a walking zombie just functioning in a drone-like fashion. Sad and lonely can not even begin to describe what it is I feel inside. I have absolutely NO ONE to talk to about it. Sitting alone crying out to an empty room hoping somehow the universe hears me just isn’t working for me anymore. I have never felt this way and since I don’t have a frame of reference for these feelings I have no idea what I should be doing. So I came back to this journal to write. *sighs*

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