Self Discovery and Declaration
I really took a hard look at myself last night and wrote some things down. It really took a lot of out me but I am better today for it.
I just wanna be happy. Happy in my heart and in my spirit. I have been hoping for along time that things with my parents/family would just magically get better but I think I have to realize that may not happen. I have been surviving for along time learning how to love and live all by myself. I don’t have good examples of how to do it the right way. In many ways both my parents, my father more so than my mother, have told me that I wasn’t shit and would never amount to a thing and of course NO ONE would love me. I’ve wanted so desperately to have this idealistic “fairy tale” kind of love that anything that ain’t that is wrong. In my fighting to get to that since I’ve thought I was so right it could have been in my face and I wouldn’t have seen it cause I was too busy pushing ppl away. I was afraid of the feeling that I never felt so I avoided it. I don’t want to do that any more. I knew that something within was keeping me from being happy I just didn’t know what that was cause I thought I was okay.
There was a point in my life before anyone came along that I was really okay with myself and then when facing the idea of love, real love it was scary for me so I resorted to what I knew which was to survive. I put up walls to protect me just in case of the big hurt that I knew was to come cause that’s what I always knew. Yet when it didn’t happen, something wasn’t right couldn’t have been right. When I feel things not going how I think they should I run. Even though I am right there, I close myself off and don’t say anything. I distance myself or I find something to argue about to take the focus off what I am afraid of feeling. I fear everything and nothing. I fear not knowing what’s going to happen. I haven’t moved with my writing cause I am afraid of what I don’t know. I am afraid that I am not good enough.
Me not being good enough is a theme in my life. I have believed it for so long because other ppl/family have drilled it into my head. Even though these are some of the same ppl who have abandoned, deceived, and NOT loved me I believed them. I think that even though I wanna be happy when I am I think I don’t deserve it so I question the realness of it. I’ve cried so much about this because this is one thing that hurts the most. That I’ve breathed life into the negative things that my father has put on me. I question everything instead of just having faith and believing. I don’t wanna do that any more. I wanna lay this to rest. I wanna be able to accept love in whatever form it comes in. I wanna be able to recognize me in the mirror and say that I love me. I wanna say so much my mirrored reflection but yet I don’t know what to say so I sit in silence.
I want to have honest , open, sharing, loving, supportive, growth promoting experiences. Experiences that give me peace, fill my spirit and allow my mind to grow blossom and flourish. Allow me the capability to be able to recognize these experiences for what they are and clearly see them. Help me gain a better understanding. Help me to be not afraid of loving. To not be afraid of having love and embracing it in all forms. Accept what comes my way for exactly what is it. EMBRACE IT! Help me work on these issues of abandonment, trust, and genuine love. I am deserving and worthy of everything that is for me. Stop denying what God places before me. Stop being so critical about who I am, my experience, the current point I am in my life. Help to feel more comfortable with my mind, my way of thinking, my talents and gifts. I am worthy and deserving of everything life has to offer me. I am okay and I am deserving of being the best me I can be. The next set of tears I shed will be those of hope, release and joy. Starting today…starting today!