Finding Sunshine

Today I find myself smiling even though it’s the middle of winter in California and it’s a cold 50°. I am smiling cause I feel genuinely happy. Even though everything else might not be going as I think it’s suppose to, I’m happy. I ‘m sure I’ve said this many, many times but I wasn’t fulfilled. It’s almost as if calm has been restored in my heart. My worry & doubt has dissipated. I feel like nothing can hurt. I don’t feel lonely or empty. I don’t feel like anything is missing. I used to think love true & pure was out of my reach. I was used to being hurt waiting for the pain to just come…expecting it. Just so I could get it over with…be done with it so I could move on. I thought I could control all things. However, I know I have no control. Not over my feelings not over how love will enter or how fast or slow it will come over me. I’ve tried to block it, to avoid it, to deny it. But I can not hide because it has confronted me outright. It has given me no choice. It presented itself in a form that I would virtually be unthreatened by and it snuck in. Then I wondered how & why but I have to give up. I couldn’t answer. I’ve had so many days of unhappiness I want this feeling to stay for awhile. I feel like I need this so much. Just give me the courage to push through my fear. I don’t want fear to be the reason this time.