Dreamkillers


I crave to understand the necessity of others to let you know what it is you should do with your dreams. I was told by someone in academia that I should consider rhetoric or technical writing. I was told by a colleague that I should consider technical writing, “editing and writing policy and policy initiatives.”I have often wondered why the universe chose to lead me in the direction it has.  I wonder why I’m stationed in this particular position and what it is I was suppose to be learning while here.  I wonder if I’ve learned it because based on the cries from the depth of my soul I need to move on.  I believed that when you decided to do submerge yourself into a career it would be something that you not only loved but were passionate about.  I believe in the saying “if you do what you love, you’ll love what you do”. 


When I thought of a career choice, I was hoping for something that would inspire me and make me feel passionate about what I am doing.  I wanted the “job” to make a real difference in people’s lives then it would make me feel better about the work I was doing.  This is the future I want for myself.  Where I am today is clearly not what I had ever envisioned for myself.  I cannot at the moment think of one thing that makes me feel great about the “work” I am doing.  Life has so many possibilities; I have tried to focus on making lemonade. It is a difficult task.  An aspect of my dream lies right in front of me.  It scares and excites me all at the same time.  In this moment, I’ve heard (what I’m sure the person/persons saying it thought was encouragement) discouraging verbage. My plan has always been my plan.  It did not change because I ended up stationed here.  It is a plan that was crafted long ago while I was playing in the grass painting pictures of the sky with watercolors.  I’ve never given up hope. I believe there are those who wish I would.  From the times when my mother reiterated several times that I should be a lawyer to when my father told me that singing and writing poetry was a hobby that no one got paid for and that I needed a real job like working for the post office, I’ve known inside me that if I subscribe to these beliefs I would drown.  In fact there were times, I have drowned.  When I found myself in the midst of an abusive relationship, the abuser thought that if every form of music was taken away from me they would be in control.  A Walkman was smashed and cassette tapes were broken.  I internalized these things.  For a period of time, I was creative side was silent. Somehow the universe keeps redirecting me and I have found myself in environments with music and writing.  There has to be a reason for this.  The road I’ve travelled has had many twists and turns and yet I’ve never lost the ability to dream. If ever there was time that I felt that right now was the time.  It is now.  I cannot allow anyone to offer me doubt, dissention, or discouragement.  I have already begun moving forward with my plan.  I dare because I can.  I DARE.

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