I spoke from my heart and as my words hung on the wind the tears flowed and I knew I’d been masking my feelings all this time…. nothing else even matters *sighs*
Happy New Year….
I was at home sipping apple cider with my daughter. I was feeling super down actually even before New Year’s Eve. Days before I had been replaying the year’s events with my ex and spent days crying about it. I am still hurt and at the same time I miss you. Crazy. I took to the bed like an 1800s dime story novel heroine. During day two of being wrapped in my blanketed cocoon, surprisingly I received a txt fromyou asking me how I was doing. Instead of lying and saying “just fine” I told you I was depressed, still hurt, alone and lonely. It hurt even to let it out. Your first response was “hurt by me? lonely?” I said “Yes and Yes”. You responded, “I’m sorry for ever hurting you but I am still here for you though” My heart screamed and I txted back, “Here for me, here for ME…how are you here for me??!” You said, “just as I’ve always been.” I don’t know what that means. I didn’t ask. How can you tell someone that when you’ve clearly moved on. You just left and never said a word. I didn’t understand it then and I don’t now. I know I have to move forward but this is hard for me. You were the only one I ever gave my heart to ever. I never knew what it really meant to be “broken-hearted”…I know now. I couldn’t stop thinking or crying. This is how I spent New Year’s Eve & when the ball dropped at midnight….I cried. I said I was leaving “the bullshit” behind. But they were empty words because I was still crying. Ugh….I do not know what I am gonna do about my heart. *sighs*