For days now my mind has been in the same reflective state. I’ve been contemplating every move I’ve made throughout this year. Alot of things I said about making changes about my outside and have been a little lazy about following through with it…sometimes life gets in the way. I’ve talked about changing my style my waking and sleeping environment and I think it’s about time I do something about it.
This year has opened me up opened my heart up to a feeling I’ve never known. The beginning was a very stressful time and I lacked the ability to see my way clear to hope. The possibility of wondering if everything would be okay. I cried everyday at some point in the day about whether or not I’d make it.
I constantly talk about how everything happens for purpose and is put there for a reason. I know that without encouragement, comfort, and that shoulder I would have been lost. Love came without warning came when I wasn’t paying close attention even when I refused to see it. So many verbal hugs that I needed at just the right moment. I appreciate everything I’ve learned that I was made aware of about myself. I’ve grown tremendously. I am a work in progress and I’m constantly learning. I want to continue to learn.
I want to be more open with my feelings which I have a problem with at times. My words sometimes get caught in my throat I hesitate it becomes difficult to express what I am really thinking. In many ways I feel like it is private thoughts I should keep to myself cause I have to deal with whatever it is that is going on. Other times I am afraid of the outcome of my thoughts. I worry if the one whom I choose to share with will observe me in a different light. It is so hard for me to unlock that part of me and allow myself to be exposed. Being so open so vulnerable. It was like that feeling of standing in front of someone for the first time naked and being ashamed. I learned that when I decided to take that risk that nothing bad happened, I had nothing to really fear. It made me wonder what took me so long to make that leap. I want my heart to be more open. I have given myself this challenge. In facing this crucial part of myself I am growing in knowing I am growing.
I still need your help I need you to help me to understand those things about myself that you see that I keep hidden from my own sight. I understand that you can not help if you don’t know. I still need you to hold my hand. I need you to walk with me. So take my hand….