Drained

Today was one of the days. The mentally taxing kind of day. The kind of day where you have to bite down on your lip or your cheek to keep the tears from flowing and even that doesn’t help. Yeah that’s what kinda of day it was. Even now the tears are welling up and my heart is bursting. I wonder so many whys and still wonder further. What is it I am not understanding/comprehending? I wish I didn’t love so thoroughly intensively penetrating so consuming. As the tears fall I wish the biggest wish and I hope the universe hears me. Right now I wish I sitting on top of the planet that was named after me if that were possible but it’s mostly ice but I think it might cool my aching heart. How can you be IN love and heartbroken all at the same time? Seems like an oxymoron, yet that is my reality. I do not know how to stop the emotion from surfacing. If I did I would be something other than the pure spirit that is me. But how do I cope with the reality of this YOU and ME situation and all that it encompasses??! Communication seems like a thug-o-war. If I say anything pass this it would come out in words of intense anger so I feel I should stop now. Even though I wanna scream. I am so full right now but I am sure that would be misunderstood as well. So if you see me retreating and running away, I am apologize in advance. My heart has been rubbed raw, it is exposed and naked and all I wanna do is try to find a blanket and cover up. This is something that I am truly not ready for. I can not handle LOVE. So I need to close that door. Love if you see me turn and go the other way I am not prepare for what you have to offer.

I am sitting here listening to Rahsaan and no matter what happens when I am listening to “The One for Me” it always makes me sang so I am sanging…loudly. Seems like I only SANG when the tears flow. It didn’t used to be that way. I confess I used to sing with a group seems like in another lifetime and it brought me so much innerpeace but because of the surrounding drama I stopped and never opened my mouth again well except when I’m hurting. I wonder how can I get that lil bit something back.

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