This is NOT learned this is BORN!

So here’s the situation some ppl have natural talent, period.  They are born with it.  At some point in their lives awareness sets in and they take the initiative, interest, notice and begin  to cultivate the essence of the very thing that will breathe life into them.  That moment is EVERYTHING.  Do you remember THE moment you became aware?  I’ve always known I was different.  I remember being in the backyard of my childhood home laying in the grass looking up at the sky just letting the sun warm my body.  As I laid amongst those green blades, I thought about what I wanted to be when I grew up.  I was 9.  

It was summer time.  I had a couple blank white sheets of this matte type paper (I know now that this was paper specifically for watercolors) and my watercolors.  I looked at the sky for a couple more moments and then decided I was ready to paint.  I thought all I wanted to do was paint watercolor pictures and read my favorite books and then came the fourth grade.  I knew big things would happen when I went back to school.  I always loved school.  Mrs. Gates, my teacher, introduced me to Christina Rossetti and Gwendolyn Brooks.  I was IN love from first read.  Every thought I had about painting went out the window.  I wanted to write however I didn’t know.  Every time I wrote something I didn’t think it was good enough.  I can laugh at myself now but I never threw away anything I wrote because I was paranoid about someone finding it and reading it. Even then I didn’t want to be vulnerable.  This feeling stayed with me.   Ironic.  I have written a lot of my thoughts on the internet many times over and I know plenty of ppl have seen them.  Funny, how that’s not exposing yourself.  One thing I still do now that I did then…I hoard my writing.   Anything I’ve written for a class I still have in my possession. Matter of fact I just broke down a couple months ago and finally shredded a bunch of papers from high school and my early college years.  Too much?  I guess that would make me a low key hoarder lol *shrugs*  I wonder if other writers do that.  I loved reading the dictionary as kid.  I would always have one with me so I could look up words I didn’t know.  I’d write them down in a notebook just to see how many words I’d have once it was filled up.  That NERD.  I fell in love with the shape of letters and the words on the printed page.  I even loved the smell of books.  My daughter now tells me that was mold.  I don’t care that smell made me fall in love.  I remember going to the library at USC and being in the “stacks” doing research when I was in junior college.  I was going down aisles just because I was fascinated at all the books.  It was so quiet up there and time flew.  I loved it there.  When I think of all the love that I had and still have, it breaks my heart at times when I sit in my English class and I am NOT inspired like I once was.  I don’t know if it’s the professor or the way in which my textbook is written.  All I know is it’s agonizing. I want that feel back.  I need a map to show me where to get it.  You know IT.  That moment.  The one I mentioned at the being of this random love letter, ode to the first letter, the first word, the first story I ever read.  Yeah that feeling.  I’m shoutin’ you out.  Come back to me.  I miss you.  Love THIS nerd.